100 Ways
by know-it-all-bookworm
Summary: 100 Ways to Annoy Voldemort Into Making Stupid Mistakes So Harry Can Finally Kill Him
1. Chapter 1

**I've read so many of these, and I just couldn't keep myself from making my own.**

* * *

100 Ways to Annoy Voldemort Into Making Stupid Mistakes So Harry Can Finally Kill Him

100. Tell him he needs to get some sun because he's 'looking a little pale'

99. Critique his evil laugh

98. Draw a smiley face on the back of his head while he's sleeping and tell everyone that it's Quirrell

97. Bring your pet mongoose to the next meeting and say 'Nagini looked so lonely the last time I was here, so I thought I'd bring my mongoose here to play hide and seek with her'.

96. Ask him if he's related to Lex Luther. When he asks why you asked, say 'because you look so much alike; you're both bald'.

95. Buy him wigs for Christmas, and wrap them in shiny red paper with gold bows.

94. Give him red and gold robes for his birthday because 'they'll bring out the color of your eyes'.

93. Give his a gift certificate to a tanning salon.

92. Buy him a mail order bride from a country in Asia.

91. Make sure that she's a Muggle

90. Ask if Harry Potter is his secret lovechild because Harry looks so much like he did at that age.

89. Make up really elaborate plans to kidnap and kill Harry Potter involving: red roses, your pet mongoose, super glue, bubble gum, a Taylor Hicks CD, a photo of Snape naked, and your best friend's step-mother's ex-boyfriend's cousin twice removed on his mother's side's pet canary.

88. Formally adopt him so he can finally get a mother's love.

87. Tell him that Bellatrix wants to have a threesome with him and Dumbldore.

86. Tell him that Lucius wants to have a threesome with him and Wormtail.

85. Tell him that Wormtail has been taking photos of him during bath time and selling them on Ebay.

84. Give him a hickey.

83. Bribe Rita Skeeter into giving him a hickey.

82. In front of the Inner Circle, dare him to kiss a kitten.

81. In front of Harry Potter, double-dare him to kiss Hermione Granger.

80. When he refuses, scream as loudly as you can in an imitation of Dudley, "But Daddy! I want to see you kiss the pretty lady!"

79. Buy all the stock of Grunnings, and invite the Dursleys to a formal dinner with Lord Voldemort. While eating dinner with them, gush about how much they have in common with each other.

78. Tell him that Luna Lovegood is his biggest fan, bought all the photos of him from Ebay, and has written him a sonnet about how sweet he is and how she wants to snog him under the mistletoe regardless of Nargles.

77. Get Luna to write and mail him that sonnet.

76. Be sure that it includes the phrases: 'hotter than Orlando Bloom', 'as cute as a button', and last but not least 'I love you, you sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigot'.

75. Send him a singing valentine (using one of Lockharts dwarves) that says, 'your skin is as pasty as new-curdled milk'.

74. Hold a mock funeral for your dead goldfish and insist that he say the prayer.

73. Name your new goldfish after him, and ask him to be its godfather.

72. Quote the Godfather to him.

71. Tell him he needs to 'go to the mattresses' with Harry Potter.

70. When Bellatrix asks what you mean, say quite solemnly that the sexual tension between Voldemort and Harry needs to be resolved.

69. Ask him if he feels bad that Ginny 'broke up' with him to be with Harry.

68. Give him the number to a suicide hotline.

67. Tell him that he's too skinny and then proceed to feed him the way Molly Weasley feeds Harry.

66. Check him into a clinic claming that he has anorexia.

65. When he is released, take him to a Weight Watchers meeting.

64. Buy him some Rogaine.

63. During one of his rants, just as he's about to Crucio someone, ask him if he is PMSing.

62. Bring him some chocolate fudge brownie ice cream, a box of Kleenex, maxi pads, and 'Somewhere in Time' the next day.

61. Take him to an exorcist in order to 'remove the demon that controls him'.

60. Tell him that it was Crabbe Sr.'s idea.

59. Blow kisses at him during the next revel.

58. As you were wearing your mask, tell him that Narcissa did it.

57. Embroider little pink rosettes onto his black silk robes, and say that you only did it to give him some variety in his wardrobe.

56. Ask to see his Patronus.

55. When he is unable to cast the charm, tell him that 'it's okay…Harry Potter took a few months to learn it in his third year'.

54. Tell him that all he needs to do in order to fly without a broom is sprinkle on a little pixie dust and think happy thoughts.

53. Tell him that Voldemort doesn't sound nearly as threatening as Captain Hook.

52. Tell him that he would look 'totally awesome' with a hook for a hand.

51. Tell him that you sent Harry a birthday card and signed his name to it.

50. Take him trick-or-treating on Halloween.

49. Slip some anti-depressants into his morning tea.

48. Offer to do his makeup for the final battle, so when Colin gets his pictures developed, his eyes and lips will 'just pop'.

47. Insist on cherry flavored lip gloss.

46. Place the Imperius on Trelawney and tell her to 'French him'.

45. Start singing 'All You Need Is Love' whenever he enters a room, and tell him it's his theme song.

44. When he battles Harry and Priori Incantatum occurs, say as loudly as possible, 'Ooh look at all the pretty lights'.

43. Tell him that the Dark Lord convention of 1998 voted him 'Mr. Congeniality'.

42. And they voted him and Umbridge 'Cutest Couple'.

41. Give him the plaque with their names engraved on it.

40. Tell him that Darth Sidious called and he wants his skin back.

39. Make him watch Star Wars with you when he asks who Darth Sidious is. ALL. SIX. MOVIES.

38. Tell him that if he's a good boy, you'll give him a 'lolly'.

37. Offer to set him up on a blind date…with Filch.

36. Apologize and say that Filch is straight, and offer to set him up with Percy Weasley instead.

35. After the date, tell him that Molly wants grandchildren.

34. Ask him if he's a virgin.

33. Ask him to baby-sit for your baby sister, who acts like Elmira from Tiny-Toons.

32. At the next meeting, inhale helium before you say anything.

31. Teach him how to play 'I Never'.

30. After he and Fudge pass out from drinking to much, strip them to their boxers and take pictures.

29. Sell them on Ebay to Luna for five Euros.

28. Put WWW Enchanted Mistletoe up all over the manor…in July.

27. Keep getting stuck under it with him, and after kissing him giggle and blush.

26. On day two of Mistletoe Mania, gargle with Hydrogen Peroxide after every kiss.

25. Have Dobby send him various brightly colored socks for his birthday.

24. Insist that he wear them so he won't hurt Dobby's feelings.

23. Tell him that he just won Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award.

22. Tell him that Gilderoy Lockhart wants his autograph.

21. Tell him that Lockhart's new book is called 'Engaged to Evil', and that he (Voldemort) is the main character.

20. Tell him that the sequel is going to be called 'Married to a Madman'.

19. Followed by 'Reproducing with a Reprobate'.

18. Followed by 'Growing Old with Grace'.

17. Tell him that Harry's fan club is pissed, and he'd better go into hiding before they lynch him.

16. Offer to be his secret keeper, then, in a press conference, say, "I can't tell any of you that Voldemort is hiding at number 6 Privet Drive" which is, of course, his address.

15. Ask him if he is related to Imhotep from the Mummy, because of their resemblance.

14. Ask him, "What is with evil villains all wanting to be bald, is this some sort of fad?"

13. During the next meeting yell, "Struck by lightning! Struck by lightning!"

12. Say, "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all," whenever he opens his mouth to talk.

11. Ask him if he believes in Santa Claus. When he says no, tell him to stop denying his inner child.

10. When he's sleeping, paint his nails red and gold, fingers and toes.

9. Super glue a plastic tiara with pink fur to his head.

8. Replace all of his robes with prom dresses.

7. Start singing the song that never ends whenever he paces.

6. Sing 'It's a Small World After All' when he next meets up with Harry Potter.

5. Throw a bachelor party for him, even though he's not getting married, and give him lots of thongs.

4. Buy him a pair of Harry Potter brand eyeglasses because 'everybody's getting them, they're the hottest thing since platform shoes'.

3. Buy him a pair of fluorescent pink platform shoes.

2. Call him Bored Moldywart, the Dark Bore, and He-Who-Is-Scared-Of-A-Child.

1. Tell him, 'You know, nasty little fellows such as yourself always get their comeuppance'.


	2. Chapter 2

100.

"Voldemort," said Death Eater number 1, hereafter to only be known as #1.

"What!"

"You need to get some sun…you're looking a little pale," #1 said boldly.

"I most certainly will not!" Voldemort snapped.

#1 grinned. "Why not? You aren't a vampire, are you? OH, DEAR SWEET MERLIN, NO! That's the reason you didn't die isn't it!"

"I'M NOT A VAMPIRE!"

"Oh…okay," #1 said in a small voice.

99.

"HA!" Voldemort laughed at the puny Muggle that lay screaming on the ground.

"Erm…Sir?" said #1.

"What is it this time, #1?" Voldemort said in an annoyed tone, lifting the Cruiciatus Curse.

"It's just," #1 said, "Your evil laugh, sir."

"What about it?" he said, still annoyed.

"It's not very evil, now is it?" #1 grew more bold. "That is…aren't evil laughs supposed to be more of a BWAHAHA! than a HA!?"

Voldemort's face contorted. It looked as though he would have been raising his eyebrow if he had one.

"#1?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Never mention that again."

"Okey-dokey, sir."

"Okey-dokey?" Voldemort muttered in confusion, walking off and leaving #1 to dispose of the Muggle.

98.

Voldemort lay in bed asleep. Unbeknownst to him, a shadowy figure was creeping up to the bed.

Thankfully for the intruder, Nagini was out hunting.

The shadow pulled out a black Sharpie, and began to draw something on the back of Voldemort's head.

The shadow slipped away snickering under its breath.

The next day around noon…

Voldemort entered the dining room.

"Where's my grapefruit?" he snapped.

Suddenly #1 screamed loudly, and pointed at the back of Voldemort's head.

"IT'S QUIRRELL!" #1 screamed as loudly as possible.

"WHAT?" Voldemort asked dangerously.

"There – there's a face on the back of your head, sir!"

"Bellatrix!" he snapped. "Give me…_THE Mirror_!" he cried dramatically.

"Yes, sir," she said adoringly.

She held up a large redwood framed mirror for him to look into.

"Mirror, Mirror, framed in red, Show me, show me, The back of my head." Voldemort muttered. "Who comes up with these rhymes anyway?"

"That would be Scott, sir," #1 said hurriedly.

"DAMN IT! WHO DID THIS TO ME?" Voldemort screamed upon seeing the face drawn on the back of his head. "SCOTT!" he bellowed.

"Ye-yes, sir," Scott said, his voice warbling in fear.

"CRUCIO!" he screamed, taking his anger out on the unsuspecting Scott.

97.

"Sir?"

"What do you want, #1?"

"Nagini seems a tad upset, sir."

_Nagini,_ he hissed, _what is wrong?_

_Mongoose!_

"Who brought a mongoose here?" Voldemort said in a dangerous voice.

"I did, sir," #1 admitted. "Fluffy has been a little lonely lately and when he saw the picture of Nagini that you insist we all carry, he seemed to get a bit of a crush on her. And since she seemed lonely lately too, I thought they should meet. They'd probably enjoy each other's company."

"And you didn't seem to realize that the mongoose is a snake's natural enemy?" he asked incredulously.

"IT IS! I never knew that, sir."

"Get rid of the mongoose!"

"Yes, sir! Right away, sir!" #1 scurried out of the room.

96.

"Sir," #1 asked.

"What?"

"Are you related to Lex Luther?"

Voldemort looked confused. "WHO?"

"Lex Luther, you know, from Superman," #1 said.

"NO!"

"Oh," #1 said in disappointment.

"Out of curiosity, why did you ask?" Voldemort said turning to face his underling.

"Oh…well…you're both bald."

"Why must I put up with these imbeciles?" Voldemort muttered to himself.


	3. Chapter 3

95.

Voldemort was slower than normal in waking up. It was probably because he had been up the whole night before torturing Muggles.

He slowly opened one red slit of an eye. He blinked.

He opened both eyes, and sat up.

Then…

"AHHHHH!!"

A moment later he calmed down. Well…at least enough to check the sparkly red wrapped packages (with gold bows no less) for curses.

"Hmm, nothing," he muttered.

Who on earth would send Lord Voldemort, the most fearsome dark wizard ever, some Christmas presents. After all, he'd never gotten any in school, so why now?

He carefully unwrapped the packages to find…WIGS!

There was a long black-haired wig, a short blonde curly one (that looked suspiciously like Lockhart's hair), and a very short red-haired one.

"#1!" he yelled.

"Yes, sir," #1 said, looking around the door at Voldemort.

"WHO THE BLOODY HELL WOULD GIVE ME WIGS FOR CHRISTMAS?"

"Santa Claus?" #1 said, shrugging in confusion. "HEY! That blonde one looks just like Lockhart's hair!"

Voldemort turned red, which was probably very difficult seeing as he only had about two tablespoons worth of blood in his entire _body?_

"LEAVE ME!" he snapped.

94.

"Happy Birthday, sir!" #1 yelled in an excited tone of voice. "Here!" A package was thrust into Voldemort's arms.

He contorted his face, as though he'd raised an eyebrow (if he'd had any), and ripped off the paper.

He pulled out…_red robes? _With _gold trimmings?_

"Look!" #1 said, beaming. "They match your eyes!"

Sure enough they did.

Now, one would really expect Voldemort to Crucio #1 for this clear breach in DE etiquette, but the sad truth was that #1, while a little thick (to Voldemort's mind) and over-exuberant, actually seemed to _like_ Voldemort. #1 wasn't sucking up for power like Severus or Lucius. Nor was #1 in it for torturing Muggles like Bella.

#1 was to Voldemort, what Dobby was to Harry Potter. At least…that's what Voldemort thought.

"I _suppose_," he muttered, "that it's the thought that counts."

"I'm glad you liked them, sir," #1 said, bouncing out of the room in excitement.

Voldemort just sighed and rubbed his eyes in frustration. "Good help is _so_ hard to get these days, they're either insane or…well…insane."

93.

"Sir! Sir!" #1 one screamed running into the ballroom. "I found the solution to your little sun problem!"

"WHAT!"

#1 shoved a slip of paper into Voldemort's hand. "It's a gift certificate! To a tanning salon!"

Voldemort stared at #1 blankly.

"So you can get some color without having to worry about the whole turning to dust thing." #1 was glowing with excitement.

"I think," Voldemort said, "the Muggles would be a little scared of the baldness and red eyes."

"Oh, but sir! I have a solution to that as well!"

"What is it, #1?"

"Well, you wear some contacts and one of your new wigs. No one would be too suspicious then! Also, if they look curious about the wig, you can just say that you're going through chemotherapy! Isn't it wonderful, sir?" #1 gushed.

"Yeah, wonderful," Voldemort said sarcastically.

#1 failed to notice the sarcasm, and hurried off to make transportation arrangements.

- - -

Later…

A very tall, pale man with long black hair and brown contact lenses entered the salon.

"Here!" he said thrusting the certificate at the attendant. "I just want to get this over with. Damn, over-enthusiastic minions!"

The attendant paled and rushed to get the scary man into one of the rooms with a tanning bed.

92.

"Sir!"

"What is it this time, #1?"

"Someone bought you a mail-order bride. I think she's from somewhere in Asia, but I can't understand what she's saying," #1 said.

Voldemort just groaned.

91.

"Sir?" #1 said tentatively.

"Yes, #1?"

"I finally figured out that the mail-order bride was speaking Thai. Well…I did the translation charm…" #1 trailed off and looked nervous.

"SO?"

"She's a Muggle, sir. Someone out there has one sick sense of humor."

"GET RID OF HER!"

"Yes, sir," #1 squeaked and scrambled to leave the room.

#1 stopped at the door. "Are you gay?" #1 whispered. Voldemort did _not _hear this.

90.

"Sir?"

"Yes, #1?"

"I found some old photos of you from your school days, and I had a question."

"Well…what is it?" Voldemort hissed.

"It's just…I compared them to the photos of Potter…Didyouevernoticetheresemblance?"

"What?"

"Did you ever notice the resemblance?"

"THERE IS NO RESEMBLANCE!"

"Okay, it's just…I was thinking…_IF_ he were your son he might be more corruptible to our side. I mean…he does speak parseltongue after all." #1 looked curiously at Voldemort. "Are you _sure _that you never had an affair with Lily Evans?"

"OF COURSE I'M BLOODY SURE!"

#1 looked curiously at Voldemort. "Perhaps you are gay," #1 whispered yet again.


	4. Chapter 4

89.

"Sir!" #1 said excitedly.

"What?" Voldemort said in an annoyed tone that would have sent most Death Eaters running in fear.

"I have a plan to kidnap and kill Harry Potter!"

"Oh, really?" Voldemort said sounding amused. "What is it then?"

"Well…We bribe his Muggle relatives into super-gluing a picture of Snape naked onto Potter's hand. He'll be panicking all day trying to get it off. Then we send him red roses, we'll make sure to have put superglue on them so his _other_ hand will get stuck. Then…we kidnap him. He won't be able to defend himself because he can't hold his wand. We then lock him in a cell, and have his guard do nothing but chew bubblegum. The constant popping will drive him mental. We also have to borrow my best friend's step-mother's ex-boyfriend's cousin twice removed on his mother's side's pet canary. We put the canary in the cell with Potter and play a Taylor Hicks CD. Between the gum popping and the CD playing over and over, he'll be begging for death…especially since my best friend's step-mother's ex-boyfriend's cousin twice removed on his mother's side's pet canary starts pecking anyone nearby when he hears Taylor Hicks. Potter will die by being pecked to death!" #1 let out a psychotic sounding laugh.

"#1?"

"Yes, sir," #1 said cheerfully.

"That plan would never work."

"Why's that?"

"I'm allergic to canaries."

"Damn! I was so sure it would work too."

88.

"Sir, you're mother died, didn't she?"

"What of it?" Voldemort muttered, glaring at #1.

"Well," #1 said, looking sad. "I think that the reason you feel the need to kill Muggles is because you subconsciously blame your Muggle father for her death, thereby leaving you an orphan."

"So…What're you saying?"

"I filled out these papers to adopt you…all you have to do is sign. That way you can finally experience all that you've missed." #1 smiled happily.

"NO!"

"But, sir…"

"NO! END OF DISCUSSION!"

87.

"Sir! I just heard the most disgusting thing ever!"

"What? Snape finally got some?" Voldemort asked.

"NO! Bella wants to have a threesome with you and Dumbledore!"

Voldemort promptly rushed into the bathroom and threw up.

86.

"OH DEAR MERLIN!"

"What is it _this_ time, #1?"

#1 ran into the bathroom and threw up, then said, "This is worse than the Bella-Dumbledore thing! Lucius wants to have a threesome with you and Wormtail!"

"OH DEAR MERLIN! _MOVE OVER!_" Voldemort shoved #1 out of the way so that he could throw up.

85.

#1 ran into the room screaming, "SIR! SIR! You have to see this!"

Voldemort followed #1 into the office of Riddle Manor.

"Look," #1 said pointing at a computer monitor that showed a page on EBay, "Wormtail1960 has just sold some photos of you in the tub for five Euros to Lovegood81."

"WORMTAIL!" Voldemort bellowed.

The plump, balding rat faced man scurried into the room. "Y-ye-es, sir?"

"CRUCIO!" Voldemort laughed maniacally. "So I'm only worth five Euros, am I?!"

"CRUCIO!" Voldemort screamed a second time, watching the other man scream and writhe on the floor.

At last, the curse was lifted. "If you _ever_," Voldemort hissed menacingly, "sell naked photos of me on EBay again, I will _personally _see to it that you join the LONGBOTTOMS!" He screamed the last word.

Wormtail whimpered, and crawled out of the room on all fours.

84.

Voldemort was sleeping in his large bed, and Nagini was, yet again, out hunting.

A dark figure crept into the room and sent a silent _Stupefy_ at the Dark Lord. The figure crept closer to the bed, gathered all of its courage and will power, and slowly lowered its mouth to Voldemort's neck.

The next day around 11 AM…

Voldemort entered the dining room. "Where's my grapefruit?" he snapped, not noticing the stares from his minions.

Five minutes later when he still hadn't gotten his grapefruit, he noticed that they were staring at him. "WHAT?" he screamed.

Bella paled and lifted THE Mirror.

Voldemort screamed loudly in rage. He lifted his wand and screamed, "_REDUCTO!_"

THE Mirror exploded into dust and Bella flew backwards and slammed into the wall.

"WHO THE BLOODY HELL GAVE ME A HICKEY!"

83.

A very drunk blonde witch sat in a pub, her long, chipped red nails tapping impatiently on the table top. She downed yet another firewhiskey, muttering, "Damn Granger, and her damn blackmail."

A shadowy figure approached. "_Skeeter_…" a voice hissed.

"Wha'd'ya wan'," she slurred after downing another drink.

"I'll get Granger off your back if you do me a _little_ favor," the figure in black said.

Rita narrowed her eyes. "What kind of little favor?"

- - -

Later that night, as Nagini was out hunting, a beetle flew threw an open window into Voldemort's bedchamber.

It slowly transformed into a woman. She shuddered violently then lowered her head.

The next day around 1 PM…

Voldemort stormed into the dining room. "Where's my grapefruit?" he snapped, then noticed the stares from his minions.

"What is it _this_ time?" he asked.

"Sir," #1 said a little fearfully. "It's happened again…you have another hickey, but…"

"But what?" Voldemort hissed.

#1 swallowed nervously. "Whoever she was, left behind some bright red lipstick on your neck!"

Voldemort turned red then turned and screamed, "CRUCIO!"

The red jet of light hit Bellatrix sending her to the floor.

"You are the only one of my minions who wears red lipstick!" he yelled in rage, lifting the curse.

She murmured, "My lord, I swear to you, I didn't."

His red eyes flashed dangerously. "CRUCIO!"

82.

A person in the inner circle cast a silent voice changing charm before saying loudly, "Voldemort, I dare you to kiss a kitten!"

"WHAT!" Voldemort screamed. "WHO SAID THAT?" He turned glaring at each of his Death Eaters, but no one confessed.

The one who _did_ say it cast a quick _Finite Incantatum_.

Voldemort used legilimency on everyone but found nothing incriminating in anyone's head.

He cast several _Crucios_ on Bella and Wormtail before dismissing the meeting.

"If I _ever_ catch the one who said that, he will _DIE_!" he hissed to himself.

81.

"Potter! You will _die_ tonight! BWAHAHAHA!" Voldemort laughed loudly.

The shadowy figure toward the back of the crowd of Death Eaters cast a silent voice changing charm, and suddenly screamed loudly, "VOLDEMORT, I DARE YOU TO KISS HERMIONE GRANGER!" The figure quickly apparated silently to a location on the other side of the crowd.

Harry Potter looked ill, and Voldemort didn't look much better.

"NEVER!" Voldemort screamed.

The figure screamed again, "BUT DADDY! I WANT TO SEE YOU KISS THE PRETTY LADY!" The figure removed the voice charm and apparated home for the night

Voldemort looked as though he was about to have a heart attack. "WHOEVER SAID THAT WILL DIE!"

Thankfully the distraction lasted long enough for the Golden Trio to run out of the anti-portkey barrier and use their emergency portkeys.

Voldemort screamed in rage.


	5. Chapter 5

79.

_Lord Voldemort_

_Requests the presence of_

_Mr. & Mrs. Vernon Dursley_

_At a formal dinner in_

_Riddle Manor, Little Hangelton_

_On the Third of February 1998_

_Please RSVP no later than_

_The Thirtieth of January 1998_

_C/o Number One_

- - -

"Welcome to Riddle Manor, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley," #1 said, beaming excitedly. "May I take your coats."

"Yes, thank you," Petunia replied.

#1 carefully hung their coats up, and led them into the formal dining room.

"Bella will be in to take your drink orders in just a moment," #1 said, leaving to get Lord Voldemort.

- - -

"Sir! Sir! They're here!"

"_Who_ is here, pray tell?" Voldemort hissed. He hated it when people interrupted him while he was doing the Daily Prophet crossword puzzle. _The potion that needs both asphodel and wormwood is The Draught of Living Death._ He quickly wrote the answer down then glared up at #1.

"The Dursleys…remember you bought all of the stock in the business that Mr. Dursley works for so that you could fire him…remember?" #1 said, bouncing excitedly.

"I do now," he muttered. He removed his eyeglasses and rubbed his eyes wearily. "Take me to them."

- - -

"I understand that you have a son and a nephew living with you, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley. Raising two boys must be difficult indeed," #1 commented midway through the meal.

"Not so difficult with our Dudley. He's an angel," Petunia said happily. "But my nephew, Harry…well, let's just say that he inherited the worst possible traits of his parents. He had to be sent to St. Brutus' Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys."

Voldemort's face contorted in his classic no-eyebrow-raise. "Indeed?" he asked. "I've never heard of that school."

"Well, the school is located up north somewhere," Vernon said, taking another long swig of wine. "And they use canes on the boys. Very good don't you think, to teach them about consequences? That Potter brat needs to learn to respect his betters," he muttered.

"Wait?" #1 said. "Your nephew is Harry Potter?"

"You've met him?" Petunia asked, her voice squeaking in fear.

"Once or twice," Voldemort said. "The brat has caused nothing but trouble for me. Ran into him in London you see. Black hair, green eyes, funny scar on the forehead…right?"

"That's the boy. He won't be bothering you again, sir. I'll see to it!" Vernon blustered.

"Oh, my, you both just have _so_ much in common," #1 gushed.

Voldemort turned green.

78.

"Sir! Sir! I just found out who bought those photos of you on Ebay."

Voldemort looked up from his crossword puzzle. "And?"

"It was Nargle1225, so I hacked into her Ebay account and…well…"

"'Well' what?"

"It's Luna Lovegood. And…it gets worse…"

"How much worse could it possible get," Voldemort muttered, rubbing his temples with his long, skeletal fingers.

"I decided to also hack into her Myspace, and…she posted up those photos on the site, and – and…it's just so terrible…she wrote you a sonnet, and wants to snog you under the mistletoe, regardless of Nargles!" #1 was nearly in hysterics.

"Merlin save me!"

77. & 76.

A large yellow(?) owl flew into the manor at lunch – er – breakfast time the next morning.

Clearly someone was having a little too much fun with color changing charms.

A pale blue envelope was tied to the bird's leg.

Voldemort carefully untied it, but before he could open the letter, the owl swooped outside and the letter exploded into sound.

It was a Howler…sort of.

_He's hotter than Orlando Bloom…_

_He makes my heart go vroom, vroom…_

_He's as cute as a button…_

_He makes me look like a glutton…_

_I wanna be his harlot…_

_I love you, you sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigot…_

_Love with all my heart, Your Luna Lovegood_

Voldemort promptly threw up onto Bellatrix.

75.

_KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!_

Whoever was at the door clearly had no patience.

As #1 was currently stuck in the bathroom with a bad case of indigestion, Voldemort had to answer the door himself.

He could only hope that it wasn't more girl scouts.

Those kids could really hurt someone.

He opened the door to find…

A fat dwarf dressed up like cupid.

"Look," the dwarf said in a rusty voice from lack of use. "I wouldn't be here, but the chick paid me five hundred galleons, so here goes…_His eyes are as red as the Hogwarts Express…His skin is as pasty as new-curdled milk…I wish he was mine, he's really divine…Yes, him, the Half-Blood Dark Lord._

"AVADA…" but Voldemort was too late. The dwarf was gone.

74.

"Sir! Sir!" #1 sobbed, running into the room.

"#1?" Voldemort said, in what could almost be mistaken for concern…almost.

"Goldie _died_!" #1 threw himself at Voldemort and clung to him.

"And who was Goldie?"

"My-my goldfish," #1 sobbed into Voldemort's robes.

Voldemort looked distinctly nonplussed.

"Erm…" the Dark Lord really didn't know what to say.

"Will you say the prayer at his funeral…please…" #1 begged.

He opened his mouth to refuse, but then he looked into those glistening eyes, and groaned, "Oh, alright!"

"Thank you, Sir!"

73.

"Sir?" #1 said, beaming.

"Yes, #1?" Voldemort was curious. #1 hadn't smiled since the goldfish's funeral, and now…_this_.

"I got a new goldfish for my birthday."

"A-and?"

"I named him Tom, after you."

"Erm…right then…thank you."

"Sir?"

"What #1?"

"Will you be his godfather?"

#1 just looked so very hopeful that Voldemort couldn't turn him down.

"Fine!"

"Thank you, Sir! Thank you!"

#1 rushed out of the room, bouncing in excitement.

72. & 71.

"Now, Lucius, I want those Muggle dentists murdered. I don't care how you do it, I don't care if you torture them, I just want them dead."

"Yes, my Lord."

"If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything, it is that you can kill anyone," #1 said solemnly.

"That was deep," Lucius muttered in awe.

"It's from The Godfather, a Muggle movie."

- - -

"So how do I lure Potter out of the castle," Voldemort murmured to himself.

#1 looked up from _TheDark Arts Rediscovered_. "You make him an offer he can't refuse."

"Like what?"

"Hold a gun to his head, and assure him, that either his brain or his signature will be on the contract."

Voldemort looked confused.

#1 sighed. "It's from the Godfather. It means that you corner him, and he won't have any choice in the matter."

"Good idea."

"The Godfather is full of them."

- - -

Voldemort was once again screaming at Lucius for failing to kill the dentists.

#1 smirked and said solemnly, "I say to all of you, I have been treated this day, with no respect. I've earned you all money. I've made you rich, and I asked for little. Good. You will not give, I'll take!"

Crickets were chirping.

"I heard it when I watched the Godfather. It seemed to suit the moment."

"It is applicable," Voldemort said. He opened his mouth to speak, but he could not continue his rant where he left off…the moment was gone.

- - -

"You and Potter need to go to the mattresses."

"I _beg_ your pardon?" Voldemort hissed icily.

#1 sighed. "It means you need to fight to the death. Honestly, haven't you seen The Godfather."

Sighing yet again, #1 left the room.

70.

"#1?" Bellatrix whispered. "The Dark Lord said something odd to me a few minutes ago, and when I asked him to clarify what he meant, he told me to ask you."

"Well, what did he say?" #1 asked curiously.

"He said that he needed to go to the mattresses with Harry Potter."

#1 couldn't help it; this moment was just too good to pass up.

"Oh well, since you asked…The sexual tension between Voldemort and Harry needs to be resolved."

Bellatrix went from pale to pasty in a matter of seconds.

"That's disgusting."

"I know…isn't it," #1 agreed. It was a good thing that #1 was wearing a mask, otherwise Bella would have known it was a lie.

Bella walked off looking ill, and #1 smirked.

* * *

**I do not own Orlando Bloom, Ebay, Myspace, The Godfather, or a pet goldfish.**

**Hidden movie reference, and I'm not talking about The Godfather.**


	6. Chapter 6

69.

"Sir, I'm so sorry," #1 apologized looking sad.

"For what," Voldemort hissed.

#1 handed him the latest issue of Witch Weekly. The cover showed a picture of Harry Potter.

_**Harry Potter Taken**_

_Yes, that's right, readers. The Boy-Who-Lived is now the Man-Who-Is-In-Love. And with who, you ask? Why it's none other than his best friend's younger sister, Miss Ginevra Molly Weasley._

Voldemort looked confused.

"I – I can't believe she would just break up with you like that!" #1 cried out. "I mean, you were her first real romance."

"And when was that?" the Dark Lord asked confused.

"During her first year," #1 said in a I-can't-believe-you-actually-didn't-know-that tone.

68.

"CRUCIO!"

Bella screamed.

And Voldemort cackled.

"Sir," #1 said, concerned, "I'm worried about you, Sir. Here…" He handed the older man a slip of parchment. "I know you're depressed about not capturing Potter, so if you start feeling…_desperate_," the last word was whispered, "You can call them for help."

"Who are _they_?"

"A suicide hotline," #1 said innocently.

Bella managed to drag herself out of the room, while Voldemort was distracted from shock.

67.

"Where's my grapefruit," Voldemort snapped as he swept into the dining room.

"Sir, you are much to skinny, and I'm not putting up with it any longer," #1 snapped.

The other Death Eaters leaned forward in anticipation of the imminent torture of #1.

"What do you propose to do about it?" Voldemort challenged.

"You are going to eat a full English breakfast or you'll find yourself on the receiving end of my wand! How do you propose to take over the world if you are to weak to walk? Now! Eat!" #1 tapped a foot impatiently.

Voldemort rolled his eyes, and hissed sarcastically, "Yes, mother." and began to eat.

Needless to say, none of the other Death Eaters could even _think_ from the shock of it.

66.

"You aren't gaining any weight!" #1 snapped as the limo wound its way along the coast. "I've been patient enough with you! It's time for me to start playing hard-ball!"

Voldemort just sighed. _There's no reasoning with #1 during one of __**these**__ moods._

When they finally got out of the vehicle they were parked outside a beautiful mansion in northern England.

The entered the lobby and #1 went to speak with the check-in clerk.

After about fifteen minutes of furious whispers, a white clad orderly walked up to Voldemort.

"So you're our new anorexia patient?" he said.

Voldemort paled. "_This _is what #1 meant? #1, you can't just leave me here?" he hissed.

"Well, you need more help than I can give," #1 sighed, teary eyed. "They'll take good care of you, and I'll visit every week-end. I'll even bring Nagini. And just think…you'll _finally_ be able to talk to a licensed psychiatrist about your feelings of abandonment."

With that #1 turned around and left the mansion. _Now, I get to give the other Death Eater's orders on our Master's behalf. _He smirked to himself. _This is gonna be fun._

65.

"Sir, Sir, it's so good to see you with color in your cheeks," #1 gushed.

Voldemort's face contorted in the usual manner.

"Now you can finally come home to us, isn't it wonderful," #1 continued oblivious to everything going on around them.

- - -

The next day…

"Where's my eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, pancakes, muffin, and bring me extra butter! And this time I want real _Vermont_ maple syrup!" Voldemort snapped.

An hour later…

"Hurry up, Sir. You'll be late for your meeting," #1 said, helping Voldemort put on a long black leather trench coat. He also straightened Voldemort's wig for him.

"What meeting?" Voldemort asked in annoyed confusion.

"Never mind that, you're going to be late!"

Twenty minutes later, Voldemort entered a small room where the meeting was going to be held.

"Welcome," a plump blonde woman said in an annoyingly high-pitched voice. "Is this your first Weight Watcher's meeting?"

Voldemort looked really mad. "Yes!" he hissed.

64.

"Sir, Sir, I think I found a way to permanently fix your baldness," #1 said rushing into the room in excitement.

"And how is that?"

"It's called Rogaine. I saw a TV commercial for it. It helps bald men grown hair! Isn't it wonderful?"

"Yeah, wonderful," the Dark Lord muttered sarcastically.

63.

"I cannot believe that the dentists managed to escape you yet again, Lucius!" Voldemort screamed. "They are _just _Muggles for Merlin's sake!"

"B-but, Sir, they had this metal thing that made a loud bang, and suddenly my arm was bleeding…" Lucius said, pale from blood-loss.

"_Crucio!_" Voldemort screamed, and then laughed maniacally. "_Cru…_" he began to say again, but was interrupted.

"Sir," a small voice said. "Are you PMSing?"

"Am I what?" Voldemort asked in confusion.

"PMSing…oh, never mind," #1 said and walked off.

Voldemort turned back to Lucius to torture him some more, but the blonde man had finally passed out.

"Dammit! It's just not as much fun when they are unconscious! I wouldn't even get to hear him scream!" Voldemort said, and turned to look at Snape, who flinched, expecting to be cursed.

"Get him out of my sight and heal him," Voldemort said, resignedly. "I'm going to bed. Wake me if anyone does anything even remotely useful."

62.

The next day…

"Sir."

"What is it now, #1? Did Lucius die? Did the Daily Prophet finally find out about Umbridge and Fudge? Or better still, did Bella finally get pregnant with a new Future Minion for me?"

"Err…No, Sir, nothing like that. I just brought some stuff to help you with your PMS."

"Ooookaaaayyyy…"

An hour and a half later…

"This movie is really sad," Voldemort murmured, wiping his eyes with a tissue from the pink box of Kleenex that #1 held out to him. "What is it called?"

"Somewhere in Time."

"Damn sad movie!" Voldemort muttered, taking another big bite of ice cream. "This chocolate fudge brownie ice cream is really good," Voldemort commented just as McNair entered the room.

"Sir, what's that on your forehead?" the executioner asked.

"Don't ask stupid questions," Voldemort snapped, then, "_Crucio!_"

"Go away!" he hissed when the man finally stopped screaming.

After McNair left, Voldemort turned to #1 and asked, "So what do these maxi pads do, anyway?" as he peeled one off of his forehead.

61. & 60.

"Where are we going _now_?" Voldemort asked in annoyance.

"You'll find out in a minute, we're here now?" #1 said happily.

The door in front of them opened. The woman who opened it said, "Welcome to the Exorcist's Lair."

"You brought me to an exorcist?" Voldemort asked in confusion.

"It was Crabbe Sr.'s idea," #1 defended.

The exorcist approached the pair, and stared at Voldemort, who had neglected to wear his wig or contacts for this excursion.

"We are going to be here for a while," the exorcist muttered matter-of-factly. "I'd say that you were wrong," he said, turning to #1. "It can't be just _one _demon controlling him. Not with those red eyes. It's gotta be a _whole family _of demons. Christy!" he snapped to a young woman. "Get me the biggest crystals we've got, and call in the re-enforcements. I'm gonna need all the help I can get."

- - -

"Crabbe!" Voldemort snapped upon returning from a long weekend with the exorcists. "_CRUCIO!_" He laughed maniacally.

* * *

**I do not own Witch Weekly, Rogaine, Kleenex, or a tub of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream, and...while I do own a copy of Somewhere in Time, I do not own the rights to it.**

**I will give 100 points to anyone who can write a funny scene of Voldemort at the exorcists, and I'll post it (and the author's name, I'm not going to steal anyone's work) at the beginning of the next chapter of this story. I'll give the author 200 points if I have trouble breathing from laughing so hard.**

**Good Luck!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Winner of the Story Contest**

**Earning Hufflepuff 100 Extra Points**

**Written by _WhensunshinewiltsIdanceinrain_**

**"Oh my gosh!" screamed the exorcist upon seeing voldy. "We've hit the jackpot!" he yelled at his colleagues. "What are you waiting for?! go get the big boss!"**

**"Why?..." hissed voldy suspisiously.**

**"Alright everybody, this will be nothing less than the hardest, most emotionally painful job you will ever have to endure. It may very well also be the LAST, because I think we've found..." the dramatic background music held a long note. the camras zoomed a close up on voldemort, the speaking exorcist and then his coleagues for about thrity seconds each, then back to the speaker.**

**"Satan himself!" the dramatic music flared up and the crowd gasped, befoe running after voldemort with torches and pitchforks, except for that last one at the end yelling**

**"NO! WHY CAN"T WE JUST TALK THIS OUT?!"**

**

* * *

******

Sorry it wasn't 200 points, but the camera thing kinda distracted me from the humor. Otherwise, it was truly great. Thank you WhensunshinewiltsIdanceinrain.

* * *

59.

Voldemort was giving his usual speech. It was all about blood purity, and how the only thing 'Mudbloods' were good for was serving the pure bloods.

"…and when we achieve world domination, we will allow those filthy Mudbloods to wipe our…" his words faded away as he noticed something rather odd.

Did that Death Eater just blow a kiss at him?

No way, he had to be imagining it.

Hang on, they _did_ do it, and they did it again!

"Everyone leave except for #1!" Voldemort snapped.

The Death Eaters all stampeded to get out the door quickly, and in the commotion #1 was forced out as well.

#1 entered the room a moment later, mask in hand. "Sorry about that sir," #1 said. "I just got forced out of the room because I was in the middle of the group."

"Shut the door," Voldemort hissed.

#1 did as Voldemort asked, then said, "What did you want to see me about, Sir? You don't usually stop in the middle of one of your speeches like that.

"I need you to find out which Death Eater was blowing kisses at me tonight." Voldemort shuddered. "The person was wearing a mask. I need to know who it was so I can torture them!" Voldemort gave his best evil cackle.

"I'll get on that right away, Sir," #1 said, eagerly.

58.

"Sir! Sir! I've found out who it was," #1 cried out, running into the room.

"Well?" Voldemort asked.

"I heard her bragging about it. It was Narcissa Malfoy, Sir!"

Later that night…

"Come forth, Narcissa!" Voldemort cried.

"Yes, My Lord," she said as she bowed and kissed the hem of his robes.

"Back away a few feet," Voldemort ordered her.

She did as he said, but asked, "Why, My Lord?"

"I don't want your dinner on my robes," he said haughtily.

She looked confused, but then Voldemort screamed, "CRUCIO!" and began to laugh maniacally.

When the curse was lifted, Narcissa struggled to her feet and said, "My Lord, what did I do?" in genuine confusion.

"CRUCIO!" he screamed, yet again.

57.

"#1!" Voldemort screamed.

"Yes, Sir," #1 said, beaming at Voldemort like Colin Creevey when asking for Harry's photo.

"What is _this_?" he hissed.

Voldemort waved his black silk robes in #1's face.

"Well," #1 said a trifle nervously. "You always wear the same thing every day. I just thought you could do with a little variety."

"YOU EMBROIDERED PINK ROSES ON MY ROBES!"

"Technically, Sir, they're called rosettes."

Voldemort rubbed his eyes with his long pale fingers. "At least you had good intentions," he muttered under his breath.

56. & 55.

"Sir," #1 said hopefully.

"What?" Voldemort asked.

"Can I _please _see your Patronus?" #1 begged with his hands clasped in supplication.

Voldemort pointed his wand and cried, "EXPECTO PATRONUM!" but nothing happened.

He actually looked disappointed.

#1 decided to try to cheer him up. "Its okay, Sir, Harry Potter took a few months to learn it in his third year."

54.

"SIR! I HAVE DONE IT!" #1 screamed as he hugged Voldemort in joy.

"Done what?"

"I have figured out how you can fly without a broom!"

"And?" Voldemort asked.

"You just need to sprinkle on some pixie dust and think happy thoughts! See!" #1 handed him a book.

Voldemort read the page then flipped the book shut to see the cover.

_Peter Pan._

"Great!" he said sarcastically. How #1 had graduated from Hogwarts, Voldemort didn't know.

53.

Later that day…

"You know, Sir," #1 said, "Voldemort doesn't sound nearly as threatening as Captain Hook." #1 was still reading _Peter Pan_.

"Yes, well," Voldemort muttered in a disgruntled tone. "Voldemort looks cooler in writing."

"I suppose you're right," #1 said.

52.

"You know, you would look totally awesome with a hook for a hand, Sir," #1 said while watching the movie _Hook_.

"Is that so?" Voldemort said, not looking up from his crossword puzzle.

"Oh look!" #1 cried. "He's bald too! His hair was just a wig!" #1 pointed at the TV, where, sure enough, Hook was holding his wig in his hand.

"Are you…" #1 began.

"NO!"

51.

"Sir! It's July 31st!" #1 said, as he placed a plate of grapefruit in front of Voldemort.

"So!"

"It's Harry Potter's birthday, so I sent him a card and signed your name to it!" #1 bounced a little.

"Why on earth would you do something like _that_?" Voldemort snapped.

"What better way to freak him out?"

"Good point," Voldemort said.

Meanwhile, somewhere in London…

"Oy, Ron," Harry said, waking his best friend. "Check out this joke card from Fred and George. It's a riot."

"Whaizit," Ron muttered. He took the card from Harry and read it. And snorted LOUDLY.

_Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday Dear Harry! Happy Birthday to you! And Many More! _It sang.

The signature however, read, "_Love, Lord Voldemort_."

Ron began to laugh so hard that his face turned red and he could barely breathe.

50.

"Sir, you seem to be a little depressed," #1 said.

"SO! It's been seventeen years to the day since I lost my body because of Potter, and still he lives!"

"I think I know what'll make you feel better, Sir."

An hour later…

_Ding-Dong!_

A woman answered the door.

"Trick-or-Treat!" Voldemort and #1 said holding out sacks.

"Oh! Don't you just have the most…_interesting_…costumes," she said, somewhat warily as she dropped some candy into their bags.

After she shut the door, Voldemort muttered, "I still don't know why you made me dress this way. The flannel itches terribly. And it's giving me a wedgie!"

"Oh, but Sir," #1 said, "It's all part of the _experience_ of Halloween."

"But _why _red?" he asked as he flicked his tail over his arm.

"Because you're supposed to be the Devil. And stop glaring at the kids. I swear you'd scare them all off if I weren't here with you."

"Why does your presence make such a difference?" Voldemort asked.

#1 sighed. "I'm an _Angel_, it kinda counteracts the whole scary Devil thing," #1 explained, adjusting the halo.

49.

"Why does my tea taste so bitter this morning?" Voldemort asked no one in particular.

#1 decided to answer. "We took a vote."

"About what," Voldemort asked sarcastically, "brewing more bitter tea?"

"No. We voted to slip some anti-depressants into your tea. After all, the only good Dark Lord is a happy Dark Lord," #1 said cheerfully.

48.

"Sir! Would you look at these photos in the Prophet!" #1 snapped. "It's an outrage!"

"What?" Voldemort asked, looking at the photo that someone had managed to take of him during the Diagon Alley attack.

"You just fade into the background! None of your features stand out!" #1 sighed. "I think I know what to do."

"What?"

"I'll do your makeup for the Final Battle, so when that Creevey kid gets the pictures developed, your eyes and lips will _just pop_! Then when the Headlines read _The Dark Lord Wins! _the picture of you will strike fear in the hearts of your enemies," #1 explained.

Voldemort sighed. "You are not doing my makeup!"

"Oh, but Sir…_please_…besides do you really want _Bella _to be the one to do it for you?"

"NO ONE IS DOING MY MAKEUP!" Voldemort screamed. "CRUCIO!"

Voldemort cursed Wormtail who just happened to be passing by.

47.

"But, Sir, _please _let me do your makeup for the Final Battle!" #1 begged.

"NO!"

"Not even if I use cherry flavored lip gloss."

#1's watery eyes and quivering lower lip begged Voldemort to say yes.

"No, #1," he muttered, feeling somewhat bad about refusing.

46.

Voldemort laughed as he tormented the customers in _The Three Broomsticks_.

A masked Death Eater noticed Trelawney sitting in the corner of the room and drinking a sherry as she watched the torture of Madam Rosmerta.

"Imperio," the Death Eater whispered.

Suddenly Trelawney heard a strange voice in her head order her to French kiss Voldemort.

"Okay," she said to herself and smiled. "One cannot deny their Inner Eye!"

She passionately kissed Voldemort, oblivious to the click of Colin's camera.

Madam Rosmerta flooed Professor Dumbledore while the Dark Lord was distracted.

Trelawney was currently nibbling on his lower lip.

He pulled away as he heard Dumbledore's voice ordering the town to evacuate.

And then he was gone, and so were his minions.

45.

Voldemort entered the room

"All you need is love," #1 sang in a whisper.

"What was that?" Voldemort asked.

"Your theme song, Sir," #1 said, smiling up at the taller man.

"What's it called?" Voldemort asked skeptically.

"_All You Need Is Love_."

Voldemort groaned.

44.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort yelled.

At the same time Harry Potter screamed, "EXPELLIARMUS!"

Their wands connected with a gold light, and more gold lights formed a bubble around them as they lifted into the air.

"Ooh! Look at all the pretty lights!" someone cried out.

Unfortunately, it distracted Voldemort, causing him to break the connection between the two wands.

Voldemort landed rather hard on his butt, and Harry ran outside the anti-apparition field and apparated to safety.

"Damn!" Voldemort snapped as he stood and brushed his robes off.

43.

"Guess what, Sir?"

"What, #1?" Voldemort asked, resignedly.

"_The Dark Lord Convention of 1998 _voted you 'Mr. Congeniality'. Isn't it wonderful," #1 gushed.

Voldemort rolled his eyes and muttered, "Yeah, wonderful."

42.

"Ooh! And they voted you and Umbridge the cutest couple!"

Voldemort's eyes went wide in shock.

"UMBRIDGE!" he screamed.

She entered the room. "Yes, Master?"

"CRUCIO!"

As Voldemort held the curse on his pink robed minion, he asked, "#1, where _did _you hear that anyway?"

"_The Quibbler _of course. Duh!"

41.

"Look, Sir," #1 said, bouncing into the room. "I ordered this from _The Quibbler _for you."

Voldemort opened the brown paper package. Inside was the _Cutest Couple Award_ with his name and Umbridge's on it.

"UMBRIDGE!" he screamed.

And, just like the day before, Umbridge entered the room and said, "Yes, Master?"

"CRUCIO!"

40.

A masked Death Eater was walked past Voldemort and muttered, "Darth Sidious called and he wants his skin back!"

Voldemort looked confused.

* * *

**I don't own _Peter Pan_, the movie _Hook _(I own the DVD but not the rights to it), the birthday song, a devil costume (or an angel one), an Inner Eye, the rights to _All You Need Is Love_, or Darth Sidious.**

**200 Points...to the author of the best "Voldemort Goes Trick-Or-Treating" story.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Voldemort Goes Trick-or-Treating**

**By: _craziigirl_**

**Bob looked at Darlene, his wife. "Remind me why we did this again?" he asked sarcastically. She sighed happily, tugging on her Salt outfit. "Isn't it just darling?"**

**Bob looked down at his own Pepper outfit. "Um..." He glanced up and saw another couple walking by, arguing loudly.**

**"No I will not go as Salt and Pepper next year!" yelled the Devil.**

**Bob frowned. It wasn't that bad...**

**Darlene oblivious to it all, squealed, "Bob! Next year we can go as a Devil and Angel costume like that couple!"**

**"I'll let you be Salt..." persisted the Angel.**

**Bob let out a huff. Oh so Salt was the better half now, was it?**

**He'd show them... Once he got out of his ridiculous costume, of course.**

39.

"Erm, #1?" Voldemort said, "Do you know who Darth Sidious is?"

"Of course I do! He's only one of the most evil movie villains _ever_!"

#1 looked confused. "Haven't you ever seen Star Wars?"

"No."

The next day…

"Sir, sir!" #1 said, running into the room and sliding across the wood floors, shoeless but with socks.

"What #1?" Voldemort asked, looking up from _Dark Defined: A Guide to Killing Your Enemies_.

"I brought over the Star Wars series so we can watch it! Isn't that great!"

"Erm…sure…" Voldemort said.

"Oh, but can you ask Bellatrix to make some more of that uber-yummy pear popcorn. _Please_!" #1 begged, pouting.

"Bellatrix!" Voldemort screamed out.

"Yes, My Lord," she said reverently as she entered and bowed.

"Make #1 and myself some more of that pear popcorn. Oh, and don't forget to bring us some Pepsis to go with it."

Bellatrix did _not _look happy.

"Yes, My Lord," she said, and bowed.

After an all-nighter watching Star Wars…

"If I _ever_ find out who compared me to Darth Sidious, I'll have his _tongue_ removed using a plastic spork!" Voldemort screamed.

"CRUCIO!"

Bella hit the ground screaming.

"So, Sir, aside from Darth Sidious, what did you think of the movies?" #1 asked.

Still holding the curse on Bellatrix, Voldemort answered, "The movies were great! I _have_ to figure out a way to do the hand-lightning thingy! It was awesome!"

38.

"Now, Sir, you haven't had a check-up since you got back from _the Center_," #1 said, hustling Voldemort into a coat.

"But #1, I don't _want _to go to the doctor's!"

"Too bad. You're going." #1 sighed. "If you're good for the doctor I'll give you a lolly."

"Only if its blood flavored," Voldemort muttered.

"You got it, Sir," #1 said, beaming.

37.

"Oh, Sir, I'm so sorry I didn't see it before," #1 said.

"See what?" Voldemort asked, looking up from his paper.

"I didn't see why you weren't attracted to Umbridge," #1 stated matter-of-factly. "I'm _so sorry_! I didn't realize that you were gay."

"Gay?" Voldemort asked slightly confused.

"So…I'm going to set you up on a date." #1 bounced in excitement.

"With who?" Voldemort was still confused, and wasn't following the conversation.

"Filch."

36.

#1 entered the room looking dejected. "Sir, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that Filch was straight."

Voldemort breathed a huge sigh of relief. "It's quite alright #1."

"So, I decided to make it up to you!"

Voldemort rolled his eyes.

"How, pray tell?"

"I'll set you up with Percy Weasley."

35.

"So Sir, how was your date?"

Voldemort got a deer in the headlights look on his face. He hadn't gone on the date. Instead he went bowling for the night.

"GREAT!" he lied.

"Oh, wonderful," #1 said, "Because I was just talking to Molly today, and she mentioned that she can't wait to get grandchildren! Isn't that wonderful." #1 was gushing.

Voldemort looked green.

34.

"Sir?"

"Yes, #1?" Voldemort said, sighing.

"Are you a virgin?"

"What kind of a question is _that_?" he asked incredulously.

"It's just…" #1 said, "…it's just that, you and Percy never stay out past eleven. You haven't even spent the night together. Not once."

Voldemort groaned.

33.

"Sir, I need a favor," #1 said hopefully.

"What kind of a favor?" Voldemort crinkled his face.

"I need you to baby-sit my baby sister. She's four."

"What would I do to keep her occupied?" Voldemort asked, looking scared.

"Phoebe likes animals."

"Oh good," Voldemort said, relieved. "I'll introduce her to Nagini."

"That's a brilliant idea Sir," #1 said, beaming. "Just be sure to warn Nagini not to bite her."

Voldemort hissed a warning to Nagini while #1 went home to pick up Phoebe.

An hour later…

"I'm gonna love you! And hug you! And squeeze you!" Phoebe was saying over and over, as she hugged Nagini tightly.

Nagini kept hissing parseltongue insults at Voldemort.

_Now Nagini, _Voldemort hissed, _that's not anatomically possible. And why on earth would a moose be doing __**that **__to me!_

An hour later…

_Nagini, this is just getting ridiculous. There is no way anyone would be able to stick a sequoia tree __**there**__! Besides how could you pay someone to do that to me? You haven't got any money._

Ten minutes later…

_You haven't even got hands. How would you get a rabbit to help? Rabbits are scared of you because you eat them,_ Voldemort hissed.

Thirty minutes later…

"Thank Merlin you're back #1," Voldemort cried out. "You have to take her home now. I don't know how you're parents handle her! I couldn't take much more of this!"

"Well, Sir. At least she's happy here. And guess what?" #1 said happily. "You can just think of it this way: It's practice for when you and Percy have your own kids."

Voldemort just groaned and collapsed onto his bed to sleep for the next year.

32.

A figure in the back of the room, sucked in a breath of air, using a scuba mask.

"And the Mudbloods will be…" Voldemort was saying when he was interrupted.

"You're just stupid!" a high pitched voice said.

"WHO SAID THAT!"

Another breath of air from the tank. "Your mother!"

"I'M WARNING YOU!" Voldemort screamed. "I'LL KILL YOU!"

Another breath, and…

"You and what army!"

With a soft pop, the figure was gone to dispose of the evidence.

31. & 30.

"Have you ever played 'I Never'?"

The question came out of the blue.

"No," Voldemort said. "What is it?"

"Oh Sir," #1 gushed. "It's the best drinking game ever! I'll teach you!"

#1 hurried off to grab all of Lucius' best bottles of firewhisky, Umbridge and Fudge.

When #1 got back, three shots were poured.

"You're not playing, #1?" Voldemort asked.

"Oh, no Sir, I have to apparate home tonight, and you know what they say about drinking and apparating."

"Yes, yes, can we begin already," Fudge said, sounding like someone had set fire to his favorite teddy.

Five hours later…

A figure entered the mansion and walked silently up to Voldemort's private suite.

Halfway there, the figure snickered silently. Umbridge was passed out in an odd position with what appeared to be a doughnut, a plastic spatula, a slinky, two gum wrappers, and a rubber duck.

The figure continued on. There was no time to spare for a laugh right now. The plan would fail if someone woke up.

The figure entered the bedroom. Fudge was passed out on the rug, a feather boa around his neck and his hat missing. Upon further searching, the hat was spotted hanging from the ceiling fan which was lazily spinning.

Voldemort was asleep on his stomach his butt in the air, and his thumb in his mouth.

The figure levitated Fudge onto the bed, carefully arranging him on top of Voldemort.

A quick _Divesto_ left both…erm…men(?) in their boxers. Well…that, and the feather boa.

The figure pulled out a very expensive Sony digital camera, and ten minutes later had a dozen photos ready for EBay.

29.

The figure logged onto EBay as _R.A.B.22 _and posted the pictures for sale.

The figure logged out and logged on again, but this time as _Nargle1225_.

How big a bid? Five Euros should suffice.

A week later…

"HOLY FREAKISHLY LARGE BATMOBILES!"

"What is it #1?" Voldemort hissed angrily. He'd been in a bad mood ever since Pettigrew had caught him in an awkward situation with Fudge. The only thing that made the week bearable was the laugh he got when he saw Umbridge. Even now, he'd break into snickers at odd moments.

"You won't like it, Sir," #1 said, bringing him back to the matter at hand.

"What?" Voldemort asked.

"Someone took pictures of you _that night_ and sold them to the Lovegood girl on EBay."

"How do you know?" Voldemort asked, frozen in shock.

"Oh," #1 said, waving a hand dismissively. "I've been checking on her Myspace every week just to make sure this didn't happen again."

"Myspace?"

"Yep, she has a slideshow of them."

Voldemort let out a piercing scream then, "CRUCIO!" the curse hit Pettigrew.

"CRUCIO!"

"CRUCIO!"

"CRUCIO!"

28. & 27. & 26.

A figure slipped into the manor while everyone slept.

It slowly went through each room in the house hanging up mistletoe. But this was no ordinary mistletoe; this was mistletoe from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. And it was July.

The next morning…

"So, Sir, if my theory is correct, then all you'd need is that damn orange cat…" #1 said, entering the dining room with Voldemort.

They didn't get far.

"WHY CAN'T WE MOVE!" Voldemort yelled in frustration.

"Don't yell at me!" #1 sobbed.

Voldemort looked sheepish. "I'm sorry #1; I didn't mean to yell at you."

_Sniff. _"It's." _Sniff_. "Okay Sir," #1 said, using one of Voldemort's sleeves to wipe away the tears.

"So…Why can't we move?" Voldemort asked in a much calmer tone of voice.

#1 looked up. "Oh…Mistletoe."

"Huh?"

"Mistletoe," #1 said again, pointing up.

Voldemort looked up. "Oh, um, er…"

#1 smiled and pecked Voldemort on his cheek, then…_giggled_ and blushed.

The next day…

"I'm sorry Sir, but the cat just keeps managing to evade me…" #1 said as they entered the library.

Then…

"We're stuck," Voldemort said matter-of-factly.

#1 pecked him on the cheek then ran to the bathroom.

Voldemort followed curiously, and saw #1 pull a bottle of hydrogen peroxide out of the cabinet.

#1 gargled a mouthful of the liquid then spat it into the sink.

"Why did you do that?" Voldemort asked in confusion.

"Germs."

25.

"I hate birthdays," Voldemort said as he ate the slice of tart lemon cake that #1 had made him.

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

"Look Sir, an owl." #1 pointed at the window.

A tiny Scops owl flew in and landed, exhausted on the dining table.

"Well…untie the package, Sir," #1 said eagerly.

Voldemort did as he was told then carefully removed the brown paper (which was addressed to _Lord Voldemort, Riddle Manor_) to reveal garish orange wrapping paper.

After checking the package for curses, he unwrapped the gift. It was dozens of mismatched socks in shades of puce, mustard yellow, mauve, periwinkle, and even lime green.

"Who was it from?" #1 asked excitedly. "That's a really great gift!"

Voldemort rolled his eyes and read the paper wrapping again. "From, Dobby."

"Who's Dobby?" Voldemort asked in confusion.

Lucius paled. "He's the house elf that Potter made me free," he spat out the name 'Potter'.

Voldemort contorted his face.

* * *

**I do not own pear popcorn, the rights to Star Wars, the Pepsi company, a plastic spork, a scuba mask, a doughnut, a plastic spatula, a slinky, two gum wrappers, a rubber duck, a feather boa, EBay, Myspace, a Batmobile, mistletoe, an orange cat, a Scops owl, puce socks, mustard yellow socks, mauve socks, periwinkle socks, lime green socks, or orange wrapping paper.**

**10 Points: If you can tell me what movie 'pear popcorn' is from.**


	9. Chapter 9

24.

"Sir! Why aren't you wearing the socks Dobby sent you?" #1 asked.

"They don't match," Voldemort said, incredulous that #1 actually expected him to wear them.

"But _Sir, _you'll hurt Dobby's feelings," #1 whined.

Voldemort rolled his red eyes. "I will _not_ wear those hideous socks."

#1's eyes welled with tears, bottom lip trembling.

Voldemort stared at the almost-crying minion. He sighed. "Oh, alright, _but_ only this once."

#1 was now beaming. "I'm so _proud _of you, Sir."

Voldemort rolled his eyes and left to put on the least offensive pair of socks…and his longest black robe. He was _not _Albus Bloody Dumbledore.

23.

"Guess what Sir," #1 said, running into the room.

"What is it now, #1?" Voldemort asked, exasperated.

#1 was bouncing excitedly. "You just won _Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award_."

Voldemort got a deer-in-the-headlights look on his face. "Huh?" he said eloquently.

#1 happily handed him a copy of _Witch Weekly _which had a picture of him from during his seventh year at Hogwarts on the cover.

Voldemort began hissing curses in Parseltongue and banging his head on the table.

"Don't do that Sir," #1 said. "Your forehead will turn red."

22.

"Sir! Sir! You just got some fan mail forwarded from _Witch Weekly_," #1 said, running into the dining room as Voldemort finished eating some eggs and toast.

"And your point is?" Voldemort hissed.

"Gilderoy Lockhart wants your autograph! Isn't it amazing?"

Voldemort groaned loudly and began muttering about fool defense instructors who couldn't even Obliviate themselves properly.

21.

"Sir! Sir!" #1 cried out, rushing into Headquarters holding a copy of the Daily Prophet.

"What is it this time?" Voldemort said, sounding resigned to his fate.

"Look," #1 said, handing his boss the newspaper.

_**Gilderoy Lockhart to Write New Book Series on You-Know-Who**_

_In a surprise move, Gilderoy Lockhart, two time winner of 'Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award' and author of several Defense books, announced his intention to write a four book series on Voldemort's life._

_Gilderoy Lockhart has resided in St. Mungos ever since his one year teaching stint at Hogwarts. His healers have announced that he is nearly completely recuperated from an accidental Obliviation._

_Lockhart has announced that the first book of the new series, 'Engaged to Evil', will be released on December the twelfth and is based on his own encounters with the Darkest Wizard since Grindelwald._

_By: Rita Skeeter_

Voldemort looked sickened.

"WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?" he screamed. "I've never even MET Lockhart!"

He suddenly screamed, "CRUCIO!" hitting Macnair in the back.

"#1!" Voldemort snapped. "Find out the other names of the books in the series by tonight!"

"Yes, Sir," #1 said sharply, hurrying out the door.

20. & 19. & 18.

"Sir!"

"Yes, #1?"

"The other books in the series are: _Married to a Madman_, _Reproducing with a Reprobate_, and _Growing Old with Grace_," #1 said, reading from a piece of parchment.

Voldemort didn't respond. He was too busy losing his dinner to even attempt to formulate a response.

17.

"Erm, Sir?" #1 said quietly, entering the meeting room.

"#1?" Voldemort said.

"Potter's fan club is at the front gate. I have no idea how they found us, but that's not the point. The point is that they're carrying pitchforks and screaming about lynching you," #1 explained. "I think you'd better go into hiding for a while."

"That might not be a bad idea," Voldemort said, looking out the window at the mob. "Where would I go?"

"I have a small house in a suburban town. No one would think of looking for you there."

"Excellent!"

16.

"Do any of my most loyal followers have the nerve to be my Secret Keeper?" Voldemort challenged his inner circle.

"I will, my lord," one of them said kneeling before him.

"Very good," Voldemort said. "Do you hereby promise to keep the secret of my location?"

"This I do swear," the Death Eater said, making his wand glow with a bright white light.

"The location is," Voldemort pulled a slip of parchment out of his pocket and read the address.

The Death Eater's wand glowed even brighter.

Voldemort apparated away, knowing that no one could possibly find him.

- - -

The reporters all jostled each other, trying to get to the front of the room to hear what the mysterious cloaked figure had to say.

"I regret to inform you, that I can't tell any of you that Voldemort is hiding at number 6 Privet Drive," the figure said, then disappeared in a puff of pink smoke.

The reporters all looked confused.

- - -

_The Daily Prophet _headline…

_**You-Know-Who's Hide-Out Located in Surrey**_

- - -

_The Foe Glass _headline…

_**He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in Little Whinging**_

- - -

_News Worthy _headline…

_**Lair of You-Know-Who Found in Muggle Town**_

- - -

_Realtors Today _headline…

_**Suburbia Home of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named**_

- - -

_Witch Weekly _headline…

_**Winner of Last Month's 'Most Charming Smile' Award Living in Surrey**_

- - -

_The Quibbler _headline…

_**Harry Potter Exclusive Interview: Why I Like Nargles…**_

- - -

Voldemort let loose a horrible scream of fury.

"WHO DARED TO BETRAY ME LIKE THAT?" he yelled at his inner circle.

"IF I EVER FIND YOU, YOU WILL DIE SLOWLY AS I MAKE YOU DRINK ACID! THEN AS YOUR INSIDES ARE DISSOLVING, I WILL ALLOW ALL THE OTHER DEATH EATERS TO TAKE TURNS CRUCIOING YOU!" Voldemort then began cursing creatively as he threw his temper tantrum.

Crucios were thrown about liberally, and it seemed that the only person who was safe from his wrath was his right-hand, #1.

* * *

**200 Points: 'Voldemort Reads _Harry Potter Exclusive Interview: Why I Like Nargles…' _Story Challenge. I will post the funniest one in my next chapter.**

**Afterwards...All winning stories will compete in three polls, one a day, starting the day I post the next chapter of this story.**

**The Polls: _Best Author_, _Funniest Story_, and _I Can't Believe Someone Other Than Mel Brooks Actually Thinks That Way_.**

**Each poll winner will receive an extra 100 Points for their house.**


	10. Chapter 10

15.

"Sir?"

"What _now_,#1?" Voldemort said with a sigh.

"Are you related to Imhotep?" #1 asked curiously.

"_Who_?"

"Imhotep…You know…from 'The Mummy'…"

"What do mummies have to do with anything?" Voldemort asked in confusion.

#1 sighed heavily. "'The Mummy'… You know…the movie," #1 explained.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," the Dark Lord said frowning. "Why were you asking me that, anyway?"

"Well, I was only wondering because you look so much alike."

"Let me guess," Voldemort groaned, "We're both bald."

"YES!" #1 yelled. "How did you know?"

"Lucky guess," Voldemort muttered, rolling his eyes.

14.

"Sir?"

"Hmm," Voldemort said, staring at his crossword puzzle, his tongue sticking out the corner of his mouth in concentration.

"What is with evil villains all wanting to be bald, is this some sort of fad?" #1 said in a rush.

"What brought this on?" Voldemort asked as he turned to face his assistant.

"I was watching an episode of Smallville and…"

"The villain was bald."

"Yup!"

Voldemort looked really mad. "Are they _copying ME?_" He turned suddenly and screamed "CRUCIO!" which hit Malfoy Jr. in the back.

13.

The room was silent but for the hissing noise issuing from a large green snake on the hearth. Rows of masked villains stood alertly waiting for their orders. No one dared even shift their weight from one foot to the other in fear of drawing attention to themselves, and thereby drawing the rage of the most evil _thing _ever to exist.

The thing spoke in a hissing voice that chilled its followers to the very marrow of their bones. "_Death…_" it hissed, "awaits the one who betrayed me. The one is near… I can feel his fear."

More than one Death Eater had chills run down his spine.

Voldemort, the thing, stalked silently through his ranks, searching for the one who had betrayed him. "He is _very _near…" he hissed.

Across the room, the only person who dared to defy him awaited the perfect moment.

"You perhaps?" Voldemort hissed at Nott Sr. who quaked nervously in his boots.

"No, my Lord," Nott said shakily as he bowed. "I would never… I live only to serve you!"

"Perhaps not then…" Voldemort continued down the row. "Fudge, Fudge, my most unreliable follower…perhaps you?"

Fudge dared not speak even in his own defense.

"I shall first remove the betrayer's intestines and feed them to Nagini," Voldemort began. He drew a slender pale finger down the side of Fudge's face, making the ex-Minister of Magic pee his pants.

"Then I will boil him in a Scouring Solution."

Several people shuddered, and Fudge soiled himself.

"Then I shall…" Voldemort continued.

Suddenly, a high-pitched voice spoke up from across the room. "Struck by lightning! Struck by lightning!" it screamed shrilly. The shadowy figure it came from, silently apparated ten feet away from its original location.

Voldemort's jaw hung open in shock.

A thoughtful look passed over the creature's face. "I shall…" he said in a hiss, "cast lightning at the worm who defied me. I shall do so until he begs for the sweet release of death…" he ended with a high hiss.

Fudge fainted, resulting in a smirk appearing on the creature's face.

- - -

"WHOEVER INTERRUPTED ME WILL HAVE THEIR APPENDAGES CUT OFF!" Voldemort ranted to #1. "He interrupted me during my SPEECH! I worked for **_HOURS_** on that!"

12.

In the kitchen of Riddle Manor…

"THAT *bleep*ING IDIOT!" Voldemort screamed to #1. Voldemort was currently venting about Wormtail's capture in the Battle of Stonehenge last week.

"THAT…" Voldemort began a new insult.

"Now, Sir," #1 said in a mothering tone, "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all."

Voldemort attempted to give #1 a 'puppy-dog eyes' look, but failed miserably. "But…" he said.

"No buts about it!" #1 snapped, pointing a wooden spoon at Voldemort's nose, making the being go cross-eyed as he looked at it.

Voldemort plopped into one of the chairs and pouted.

- - -

"THAT *bleep*…" Voldemort screamed in Umbridge's face.

"SIR!" #1 snapped. "What did I tell you before?" he said warningly. "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all."

Voldemort looked like he was either going to scream in rage or pout again.

11.

"Sir, do you believe in Santa Claus?" #1 asked, looking childlike and innocent.

Voldemort looked up from _How To Kill A Cockroach For Dummies_. "No, I _do not_!" he snapped.

"Oh," #1 said sadly, but suddenly perked up. "You know, Sir… You really should stop denying your inner child."

Voldemort banged his head with his Dictionary-sized book while #1 continued folding his laundry for him.

10.

A dark and stealthy figure entered the bedchambers of the most fearsome Dark Lord ever.

The guard-snake was out hunting, so the figure was guaranteed of not being caught.

The cloaked and hooded figure pulled out two tiny bottles from his pockets and stifled a laugh. To laugh now would ruin everything. There would be time enough for humor later.

- - -

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Voldemort screamed the next morning as he stared at his hands and feet.

Bellatrix came rushing into the room. "What is it, my Lord? Do you need assistance?" she asked concerned, as #1 entered the room behind her.

"SOMEONE PAINTED MY NAILS IN BLOODY _GRYFFINDOR _COLORS!" Voldemort screamed.

* * *

**I'm still waiting on some entries for the story contest in my previous chapter. Please submit something.**

**_By the way... I don't own 'The Mummy' (yet anyway), Lex Luther, 'The Hobbit' (actually I do own the book, just not the rights to it), 'Bambi' (or Thumper as the case may be), a wooden spoon, 'How To Kill A Cockroach For Dummies' (but I did make it up), a guard-snake (but it would be so COOL), or red and gold nailpolish._**

**TEN POINTS: If you know why Voldemort was reading 'How To Kill A Cockroach For Dummies'.**


	11. Chapter 11

**'Voldemort Reads _Harry Potter Exclusive Interview: Why I Like Nargles…'_**

**By: fred2008**

**__**

**Curious as to what Harry was talking about, Voldemort started reading the Article in the Quibler where Harry had an interview of why he likes Nargles.**

**'Why I Believe in Nargles'**

**By Luna Lovegod**

**'I've known Harry for a few years now, and to get an interview request from him to do an article about Knargles!**

**Interview:**

**L: So Harry, why do you believe in Knargles?**

**H: Well Luna, they seem to keep anyone that tries to kiss me away during the Christmas times.**

**L: Oh? And why is that?**

**H: I have no idea Luna, but they do keep anyone away from me once I mention them.**

**L: (a hurt expression) So you only use them as an excuse?**

**H: (wide eyes) NO! I mean yes, but they actually do exist! I have seen them quite a few times actually. And they're actually intelligent when others are around them. The Knargles help me at times when I need them.**

**L: (surprised) Really? I never knew Knargles do that.**

**H: (grins) Maybe we can research about them sometimes?**

**L: (beams) I would like that, thank you Harry.**

**H: Besides, I sent a whole box of them when some person asked for them, of course when asked he said he was going to put them in Gred and Forge's Mistletoes. I don't know why, seeing that it was in the middle of July. Did you notice the Nargles though when you posted those pictures of the minister and Voldemort on your Myspace? Maybe Minister Fudge used them?**

**L: Speaking of that incident, why did the Minister and Voldemort have Knargles on them?**

**H: (shrugs) Maybe they're having a relationship? After all, I never did see the man's face when he asked for the Knargles, he was about the same height and weight of the minister.**

**L: Hmm, makes you wonder…does the Minister also believe in the Nargles and is willing to participate in our research?**

**H: Who knows? Maybe I'll fund the research team to help you locate your Crumpled-Horn Snorkacks. You are a friend of mine, and I will do anything for friends.**

**"Be on the lookout for the next edition, 'Looking for Crumpled-horn Snorkacks' and exclusive in depth investigation of why Tom Riddle is caught wearing a Wig and Muggle contacts." *shows picture of VOldemort wearing his disguise."**

* * *

9.

Given Voldemort's bad luck of late, it was rather stupid of him to fall asleep on the couch of Riddle Manor's parlor without setting up some Proximity Wards.

Not that they would have helped him. The shadowy figure was far to skilled to let a couple of wards stop the inevitable.

The figure giggled beneath its hood, and pulled a small bottle out of a pocket. _Oh, this was going to be good!_

- - -

The moment the Dark Lord awoke, he knew something was wrong… very, very wrong.

He stood and happened to glance at the mirror above the fireplace as he stretched.

"_**#1!**_" he yelled.

"Yes, sir," the minion answered as he skidded into the room.

"FIND OUT WHO DID THIS TO ME! Who was here today?" Voldemort finished in a lower tone.

#1 looked thoughtful. "Fudge stopped by earlier," he muttered under his breath, "said he had important business and couldn't talk."

"He will _die_!" Voldemort hissed as he tugged at the silver plastic tiara with..._gasp..._pink fir trim that was glued to _his head_.

8.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Voldemort screamed, not unlike that kid from "Home Alone".

"What is it my Lord?" Narcissa asked as she entered his bedchamber.

"What the hell are dresses doing in my wardrobe? And where are my robes?" he asked, looking panicked.

"Ooh," Narcissa said, "they're really pretty! Good fabric, crystal accents, and sexy too… they make me think of my coming out ball dress robes." She sighed dreamily.

Voldemort contorted his face and whispered, "Crucio," causing his blonde minion to fall to the ground screaming in pain.

"Good help is _so _hard to find these days," he muttered to himself, glaring at the Muggle prom dresses.

7.

"So how do I kill that brat? He's like a damn cockroach! No matter how many times I squish him, he just _won't _die!" Voldemort ranted as he paced.

"This is the song that never ends, yes it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it…" #1 stopped suddenly as Voldemort paused in his pacing.

A moment later, the Dark Lord shook his head, muttering about his overactive imagination, and began to pace again.

"…not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because…" he stopped when Voldemort did.

Voldemort walked forward three steps as… "This is the song that never ends…"

Both the song and the wizard paused.

Voldemort paced quickly three times as… "…yes it just goes on and on my friends, some people…"

The Dark Lord ran from the room as… "…started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it…"

#1 smiled when Voldemort was out of earshot. _That was fun!_

6.

"You will die today, Harry Potter!" Voldemort yelled as the young Auror suddenly appeared out of nowhere thanks to an owl treat Portkey.

"You've got to be kidding me," the green eyed hero muttered.

"It's a small world after all…" someone began to sing from the shadows. "It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all," continued from the shadows.

Five lines later, Voldemort was casting curses at the Boy-Who-Lived, while wearing fluffy pink earmuffs similar to Professor Sprout's. In Voldemort's defense, he had tried to conjure some plain black ones, but no matter what he did, they would not be anything other than pink and fluffy.

The lines had stopped, but because of the earmuffs, Voldemort didn't know it, and so was at a disadvantage because he didn't know what spells Harry was casting until they were already on their way to him.

5.

"Sir, now don't be late for the get-together tomorrow," #1 said.

"Fine, fine… I'll be there, Wizards Oath," Voldemort swore, just to get rid of his overenthusiastic minion for the night.

- - -

"Surprise!" #1 and all of the other male Death Eaters yelled as Voldemort entered the room.

"What's going on?" the Dark Lord asked #1, who was the only sober person in the room.

"I just got your wedding invitation to Percy! So we decided to throw you a bachelor party," #1 said, beaming. "Here," he said as he thrust a wrapped package into The-Dark-Lord-Formerly-Known-As-Tom's hands.

Voldemort rolled his eyes and opened the package, not wanting to explain to #1 that whoever had sent him the wedding invitation must have done it as a joke. _Lord Voldemort would __**never **__marry someone whose lips were attached to the Minister of Magic's arse_, the self-styled Lord thought to himself.

Voldemort looked even paler than normal when he pulled out the tiny pieces of fabric from the bag. _I might not know much about the Muggle world, but Bella likes to show off her latest pieces of stolen Muggle lingerie. This is what she referred to as a thong, but judging from the size… these were made for a – a __**man**__. _With that thought, Voldemort ran into the bathroom to throw-up everything he'd eaten in the past two years.

4.

"Sir, Sir," #1 said, running into the room. "I know you don't keep up on the latest fashions, so I decided to do it for you."

"_And?_" Voldemort said, contorting his face in the usual manner.

"Here! These are the hottest thing since platform shoes! Everybody is getting them!" #1 gushed as he handed a pair of…

_NO! _Voldemort thought.

It was a pair of round framed eye-glasses. Just. Like. Harry. Bloody. Potter's.

3.

_What are these?_ Voldemort hissed to Nagini. He held up a thick-soled fluorescent pink shoe.

_The Giddy One calls them pth-pth-pthlatform shoessssss… _the snake replied.

_Do you mean 'platform shoes'? _Voldemort asked.

_Yessss…that isssss the word…_

Voldemort stared at them. "He means well. He means well. He means well," he chanted over and over.

2.

"Bored Moldywart, I have news," a masked Death Eater said.

"_What _did you call me?" Voldemort hissed menacingly.

The Death Eater spoke as though Voldemort was a small child, "I called you 'Lord Voldemort'."

- - -

As Voldemort walked by the sitting room, he heard Bella conversing with one of his other followers.

The masked Death Eater said, "The Dark Bore knows all."

"What did you call him?" Bella asked, sticking a finger in her ear and wiggling it around a bit.

"I called him the Dark Lord," the masked person said.

"That's what I thought," Bella said in a bright tone. "I knew you wouldn't have called him anything else."

Voldemort looked confused. _That's the second time this week!_

- - -

A cloaked figure stood at the head of the line to the register. It was Borgin and Burke's Annual Holiday Hell-All… Nobody ever accused either Borgin or Burke of being intelligent. They said it was supposed to be funny… you know 'sell-all' – 'hell-all'… I digress…

The cloaked figure seemed to be unaware of the man standing behind him in a cloak, wig, and contacts.

"He-Who-Is-Scared-Of-A-Child demands your highest quality goods," the figure said menacingly.

"What did you say?" Borgin asked, sticking a finger in his ear and wiggling it around a bit.

"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named demands your highest quality goods," the figure replied matter-of-factly.

"Oooookaaaaay," Borgin said. "Do you want them gift-wrapped?"

"Yes, please," the figure replied. "Red paper with sparkly purple and orange bows please."

Voldemort followed the cloaked person out of the store, but just as he was about to curse the bastard… he realized that he probably should have erected some anti-apparition and anti-Portkey wards.

The cloaked person disappeared.

1.

A half hour later, Voldemort was leaving Borgin and Burkes, feeling pretty pleased with himself for the incredible deals he got.

A cloaked figure snuck up behind the Dark Lord and hissed, "You know, nasty little fellows such as yourself always get their comeuppance," in his ear, then apparated away before Voldemort could turn around.

Voldemort was _not _having a good day. Or a good week. Or month. Or year. Or decade. Or life.

He sighed, and for the first time ever, wondered if immortality was such a good idea. Still Voldemort was _no quitter_!

* * *

**50 Points: If you accurately guess what movie inspired the line 'The-Dark-Lord-Formerly-Known-As-Tom'.**

**10 More: For the exact quote from the movie.**

All winning stories from the '100 Ways' Competions will compete in three polls, starting today. Each Poll will be up for one day (give or take).

The Polls: _Best Author_, _Funniest Story_, and _I Can't Believe Someone Other Than Mel Brooks Actually Thinks That Way_.

Each poll winner will receive an extra 100 Points for their house.


	12. Chapter 12

**You voted and here are the results.**

**Best Author... _WhensunshinewiltsIdanceinrain _for the story dubbed "The Exorcist"**

**Funniest Story... dubbed "The Boy Who Is Scared Of Being Kissed... Or Is He?" by _fred2008_**

**I Can't Believe Someone Other Than Mel Brooks Actually Thinks That Way... story dubbed "The Boy Who Is Scared Of Being Kissed... Or Is He?" by _fred2008_**

**_

* * *

_**

Now, I give you the epilogue of "100 Ways". Don't worry though, #1 will be back again in another story.

* * *

Harry paced back-and-forth in front of Voldemort. There was a circle of Death Eaters and Order Members surrounding them, none of whom dared interfere in the Battle of Wits.

"You are nothing but a freak! Even your family thought so!" Voldemort screamed at the boy-who-lived.

Harry smirked. "One of your Death Eaters adopted you so you could finally know 'a mother's love'! And the Death Eater was a _man_!"

Voldemort lost what little color he had in his face. "Who told you that?" he hissed in parseltongue.

Harry's smirk became a grin. "There was a…shall we say…bug…in your operation. And this…bug…happened to record everything that's happened to you for the past two years. Funnily enough, I nearly died of laughter before getting here. I had loads of fun watching your…humiliation."

"Yes, well…" Voldemort paused, "you're a potty head!"

"Oh Merlin! You had Malfoy write your insults for you!" Harry screamed still grinning. "Your Death Eaters were so worried about you that they gave you the suicide hotline number, sent you to a clinic to get you help for anorexia, and then sent you to a Weight Watchers meeting! They also thought that you had PMS!"

The confrontation continued like this for several hours, and then…

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort screamed, but the curse went wide and hit Malfoy senior instead.

"Expelliarmus!" a Death Eater yelled, disarming his master.

He entered the circle with Potter. "Wait one moment before you kill the bastard, Potter. I have something to say to him."

He removed his white mask, revealing a handsome face framed by longish dark hair, and gorgeous blue eyes.

"#1?" Voldemort asked. "B-but why? You were supposed to be my most loyal Death Eater."

"I'd like to re-introduce myself to you Voldemort. I am not Death Eater #1," #1 sneered. "I am _Unspeakable_ #1. It was I who destroyed your locket Horcrux. It was I who paid Rita Skeeter to enter your Headquarters in her animagus form to videotape all of this for posterity. It was I who has been slowly eroding your self-esteem, your support system, and I've been spitting in your tea!"

#1 backed up and screamed, "NOW HARRY!"

"AMORE AVADA KEDAVRA!" Harry screamed loudly, in other words: 'Love, let the thing be destroyed'. A white light burst out of his wand, and took the shapes of his parents, Sirius, and Cedric. All four figures ran to Voldemort and dove into his body.

Voldemort screamed loudly and collapsed, twitching. And then all was silent.

"Incendio!" Harry cast, pointing his wand at the body. In seconds, nothing remained but ashes.

The Death Eaters were all immediately arrested, and #1 walked calmly up to Kingsley Shaklebolt and handed him his wand, and a gallon jug filled with silvery memories.

"Arrest me, so I can finally get my trial and be free," #1 said.

- - -

The members of the Wizengamot stumbled as they fell out of the Pensieve.

Madam Bones was red faced, struggling to contain her laughter.

Minister Sykes was green faced, and looked as though he was about to become ill.

Kingsley Shaklebolt was laughing hysterically.

Madam Longbottom was gobsmacked.

- - -

#1 smirked.

As far as Voldemort had known, #1 was the most loyal Death Eater. Bringing him down had been _SO MUCH FUN!_

#1 walked calmly into the courtroom to hear the verdict.

"Unspeakable #1, after reviewing the memories that you," Alexander Sykes, Minister of Magic and Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, cleared his throat, "so graciously offered us, and after hearing Veritaserum induced testimony from known Death Eaters; it is my _dubious_ privilege to announce that we, the Members of the Wizengamot, find you _Innocent_. I pray that we always remain in your good graces, because after _that_…May Merlin have mercy on your enemies. By the way… What house were you in at Hogwarts? I have a bet going."

#1 smiled. "I was in Hufflepuff… Thank you, noble Members of the Wizengamot."

It was the best day of #1's life…and during the years of sabotaging Voldemort, there had been some damn good days.

As #1 left the court room, a hood lifted to obscure his face. "Thank Merlin for glamour charms," the shadowy figure said smirking as the magic faded.

- - -

That evening Minister Sykes wrote something down in the Minister's Private Journal which was passed on from one Minister of Magic to the next. The first Minister of Magic began the tradition.

_Today I have come to the conclusion that there is a certain group of people in our world that we would do well to not antagonize. See the gallon jug of memories hidden in Merlin's office in the Department of Mysteries for the basis of this conclusion._

_This is the decision as voted on by the Wizengamot on this fourteenth day of July in the year nineteen hundred ninety nine…_

_Never piss off a 'Puff._

_Signed,_

_Minister of Magic_

_Alexander Sykes_

- - -

"Mr. Potter," a cloaked figure said.

"Yeeeeesss?" Harry asked, arching a brow in question.

The figure motioned down the street. "Come. Take a walk with me."

"Who are you?" Harry asked pointing his wand at the person.

The figure pushed back the hood just enough for Harry to see his face.

"#1?"

"At your service," the cloaked being said.

"So what's up?" Harry asked as the two walked down the road.

#1 smiled, not that anyone could tell. "The Department of Mysteries would like to offer you a job," he said.

Harry quirked a brow. "What kind of a job?"

#1 smirked. "The best kind."

"Oh. Do tell."

"We at the Department have recently found a way to move from one timeline to another, taking over the body of our alternate self. If used in conjunction with a time-turner… well…"

Harry grinned. "You want to send me to a younger version of myself in an alternate timeline."

"Yup. Don't worry though; I'll be going with you. Though I must say that I won't look like I do now… this is just an advanced glamour charm," #1 explained. "I can't reveal to you who I am, but I will be guiding you on your mission."

"Which is?" Harry asked.

"Voldemort is going to win in the timeline I refer to as 'The Oops He Did It Again' timeline. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to use your knowledge of this timeline to destroy Voldemort before your seventh year… and to have as much fun doing it as you possibly can," #1 explained.

"I accept."


End file.
